I lost a person for a day, and got said person back the day after.

It wrecked me.

For the first time in a long time, I felt helpless.
I like to brainstorm solutions and solve problems.
I like to untwist a knot and rack my brains with a good puzzle.

But I couldn't this time round.

I was helpless.

I hate feeling vulnerable and at the hands of another person, if I had a different chemical make up, that person might be dead by now for making me feel this way. I might have killed the person in the name of love, or tortured the person in the name of cruelty and revenge.

All I felt was plain sadness.

I didn't even feel angry. Not this time.

The pain that wrought my heart in the night as I lay there in bed, feeling the empty presence beside me just hollowed my soul out. It's worse when the scent is so fresh. (Like I said, I can almost smell fear.. and other things)

Did you know that psychopaths have more empathy than the average human?

That is why we are more likely to help you if you dropped your papers on the street, or tip the beggar around the corner. If you are close enough to our heart, we can cry with you. No, not sympathise with you. Cry with you.

The potential pain is so real, if might as well have been real.

Note after finishing the post: I decided to back this up with just a tiny silver of research since I found the given information in a book I read and I really can't be arsed to reference it right now. Instead, I have a short journal that more or less supports what I have written.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-23431793

Have a look if you're interested.

This is also why when we decide to exact revenge, we know exactly which points hurt the individual most and exactly how they will feel, fuelling us with twisted power as we imagine the pain etched across their faces.

But it is not a revenge story.

It's a story of how one psychopath was heartbroken by a human being who has a total lack of empathy.

Isn't it strange how I, a person plump with empathy, am with someone who is literally devoid of it? Well, it's like a drought or a desert, so there are miraculous moments.

I laid there, staring at the ceiling and thought about my next action plan.

When i couldn't come up with any solutions to wreck my partner with emotion and bring him back, I cried some more. I stopped and stared at the ceiling again. I heard every tick of the clock as each second passed.

Tick. Tick. Tick.

With each tick, my heart pounded with pain as it swept the pain-filled blood sustenance throughout the rest of my body.

Tick. Tick.Tick.

My mind draws a blank and as I start to realise that I am helpless, the following conversation automatically plays in my mind:

me: It is so painful....

Me: Yupp

me: It is SO painful.....

Me: I know

me: Who can I tell..?

Me: No one

me: why not..?

Me: (listed various reasons which I will not expound on)

me: you have a point but it hurts... ;~; IT HURTS

Me: I KNOW. But what can you do?

me: I could jump. If I jumped, it'd be over.

Me: Doesn't benefit either of us.

me: ...yeah. Sorry.

Me: It's ok.

me: ...I could make him pay

Me: You could :)

me: I don't want to

Me: Why not?

me: Don't hurt him

Me: Ok.

me: but it hurts.....

Me: Go to sleep


This banter essentially went back and forth like this over and over for the rest of the night. I got fistfuls of sleep.

I guess at this point, you could say that I am schizophrenic or bipolar.

Well, I'm not. I have medical records proving so ;)

So you see, even though I am wrought with empathy and feeling, I also know what the right thing to do is. I feel like anyone reading this might think I'm delusional. That the 'average' psychopathy is a heartless cunt who doesn't deserve to live.

Well, screw you.

1. It's genetical.
2. Environment during the critical period plays a HUGE factor. (i.e. when we are children. No one will ever ask for traumatic shit to happen to them as children.)
3. We don't share our feelings with just anyone because people are worthless cunts.
4. Those we share with, if they prove to be worthless cunts, will pay a heavy price.

sigh.

Okay, I'm sorry. I got carried away.
You are not a worthless cunt. You are probably just someone who doesn't understand what it's like to see things in a cold, mechanical way with a heart that beats with passion for certain things in life and be able to discern and flit between the two at the same time.

It's a complicated process.

As I examine something with cold, meticulous precision, I can also be greatly moved by feelings and passionate things. I can also separate the two as clear as night and day. Play them like a conversation in my head. They show me the pros and cons of everything and to be honest, most of the time, going with the cold, meticulous part of me that craves to get everything she wants seem to be the best option.

In certain cases like this one, it is certainly difficult.

*closes eyes*

I really love him.
There is just nothing more to say.

Please don't betray me anymore.

I don't want to hurt you.