To me, life is like a balancing act.

Many have told me their impressions of me. How calm and strong they think of me..
To be honest, it's just my way of keeping it all in.

I don't think anyone realises how hard it is for me to keep my anger in.

Sometimes, I want to hurt people.
Any one.. Because I can.

But I don't, and that's me reining myself in.
If I truly let myself go, I would be in jail now.

But I understand the concept of consequences.
It's one of the things that has been pounded hard into me from when I was a child.

With every action, comes a consequence.

I don't know if other humans feel the same way.
I don't know if they have the same difficulty in trying to control the impulse that runs through my veins.

And I always think to myself..
That I should breathe, that I should calm down.

Don't black out.

It happened to me once.
....I have to be very conscious not to let myself slip so far ever again.

..............
Life is like a balancing act...

I need to get my act together.

I lost a person for a day, and got said person back the day after.

It wrecked me.

For the first time in a long time, I felt helpless.
I like to brainstorm solutions and solve problems.
I like to untwist a knot and rack my brains with a good puzzle.

But I couldn't this time round.

I was helpless.

I hate feeling vulnerable and at the hands of another person, if I had a different chemical make up, that person might be dead by now for making me feel this way. I might have killed the person in the name of love, or tortured the person in the name of cruelty and revenge.

All I felt was plain sadness.

I didn't even feel angry. Not this time.

The pain that wrought my heart in the night as I lay there in bed, feeling the empty presence beside me just hollowed my soul out. It's worse when the scent is so fresh. (Like I said, I can almost smell fear.. and other things)

Did you know that psychopaths have more empathy than the average human?

That is why we are more likely to help you if you dropped your papers on the street, or tip the beggar around the corner. If you are close enough to our heart, we can cry with you. No, not sympathise with you. Cry with you.

The potential pain is so real, if might as well have been real.

Note after finishing the post: I decided to back this up with just a tiny silver of research since I found the given information in a book I read and I really can't be arsed to reference it right now. Instead, I have a short journal that more or less supports what I have written.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-23431793

Have a look if you're interested.

This is also why when we decide to exact revenge, we know exactly which points hurt the individual most and exactly how they will feel, fuelling us with twisted power as we imagine the pain etched across their faces.

But it is not a revenge story.

It's a story of how one psychopath was heartbroken by a human being who has a total lack of empathy.

Isn't it strange how I, a person plump with empathy, am with someone who is literally devoid of it? Well, it's like a drought or a desert, so there are miraculous moments.

I laid there, staring at the ceiling and thought about my next action plan.

When i couldn't come up with any solutions to wreck my partner with emotion and bring him back, I cried some more. I stopped and stared at the ceiling again. I heard every tick of the clock as each second passed.

Tick. Tick. Tick.

With each tick, my heart pounded with pain as it swept the pain-filled blood sustenance throughout the rest of my body.

Tick. Tick.Tick.

My mind draws a blank and as I start to realise that I am helpless, the following conversation automatically plays in my mind:

me: It is so painful....

Me: Yupp

me: It is SO painful.....

Me: I know

me: Who can I tell..?

Me: No one

me: why not..?

Me: (listed various reasons which I will not expound on)

me: you have a point but it hurts... ;~; IT HURTS

Me: I KNOW. But what can you do?

me: I could jump. If I jumped, it'd be over.

Me: Doesn't benefit either of us.

me: ...yeah. Sorry.

Me: It's ok.

me: ...I could make him pay

Me: You could :)

me: I don't want to

Me: Why not?

me: Don't hurt him

Me: Ok.

me: but it hurts.....

Me: Go to sleep


This banter essentially went back and forth like this over and over for the rest of the night. I got fistfuls of sleep.

I guess at this point, you could say that I am schizophrenic or bipolar.

Well, I'm not. I have medical records proving so ;)

So you see, even though I am wrought with empathy and feeling, I also know what the right thing to do is. I feel like anyone reading this might think I'm delusional. That the 'average' psychopathy is a heartless cunt who doesn't deserve to live.

Well, screw you.

1. It's genetical.
2. Environment during the critical period plays a HUGE factor. (i.e. when we are children. No one will ever ask for traumatic shit to happen to them as children.)
3. We don't share our feelings with just anyone because people are worthless cunts.
4. Those we share with, if they prove to be worthless cunts, will pay a heavy price.

sigh.

Okay, I'm sorry. I got carried away.
You are not a worthless cunt. You are probably just someone who doesn't understand what it's like to see things in a cold, mechanical way with a heart that beats with passion for certain things in life and be able to discern and flit between the two at the same time.

It's a complicated process.

As I examine something with cold, meticulous precision, I can also be greatly moved by feelings and passionate things. I can also separate the two as clear as night and day. Play them like a conversation in my head. They show me the pros and cons of everything and to be honest, most of the time, going with the cold, meticulous part of me that craves to get everything she wants seem to be the best option.

In certain cases like this one, it is certainly difficult.

*closes eyes*

I really love him.
There is just nothing more to say.

Please don't betray me anymore.

I don't want to hurt you.

I tried out 'proper debating' last night.

It was my first time and in all honesty, I was pretty nervous.

I have never been faced with huge speeches in front of crowds before, though I have performed and done some stuff in front of crowds. (I do not count presentations for assignments)

There have been quite a few times in my life where the people around me found out that I have never done professional debating at all and the look of genuine surprise takes over their face. I can be pretty convincing. I'd attribute it to the fact that I can more or less read people superficially. 

So let's say, if a stranger walked into a room, I could tell you several things that they might do- or not. Some will be obvious, and others will not. 

At this point, you can also probably tell that the tag 'judgemental' has been affixed to me by most people I know. It's okay. It does sound judgemental when you don't know someone and act like you do.

Problem is, many times when I look at a person, I often wished that I was wrong.

I look at people and in some of them, I see slyness. I see the shift in their eyes, their calculated moves to get what they want. In others, I see insecurity, the sense of betrayal. I can almost smell others' fears when they are faced with something they are unfamiliar with. 

I guess it does border on clairvoyance. 

I always believe that the eyes are windows into a person's soul. My sociopathic comrade wholeheartedly agrees and she does often get the same reaction: how did you know that about me? Are you psychic? How did you know that I was....

I prefer to keep what I see to myself. 

Oftentimes, my sociopathic friend and I will analyse humans within 5 mins of meeting them and break down their character. We'll give ourselves a dateline to find out the truth to see if we were right, and we usually are.

As mentioned above, many times, we wished we were wrong.

Now that I think about it, how do we get along? How can I exist along side a sociopath? 

It has been a long road, full of bumps, I suppose.

Anyway, back to debating.

Since it was my first time, I was obviously nervous. My hands were white and I shivered slightly. I thought to myself how foolish I was for fearing that I'd let people down. 

I was partnered with a female who has had experience in debating and to be honest, she was being a complete douche. I can see that she is someone who likes to command. Someone who likes to have her own way. Certainly middle-class and her family is slightly well to do. She is spoiled and first impressions mean a lot to her. However, she is someone who also likes to stay in her comfort zone. 

I could tell you how I gleaned all this from just looking at her, but I won't. :P

Nonetheless, the reason why she was being douchey was because

1. I was inexperienced. (she wanted to win)

2. I made her come to me. (not vice versa, refer to the part where she likes to lead)

She ignored me, kept all the points and materials to herself and only looked out for her own benefit. Her selfish eyes would pause over someone and judge them on their perceived worth just based on their appearances and I knew that we would not get along. (that one would have been pretty obvious)

Note: You could say that I peruse people in the same way. *shrugs* True. I am unscrupulous in the way I observe people but I will still be friends with everyone and give them a chance to prove me wrong. On a side note, I do stay away from humans I judge are cunning and out to use another at their expense. This is all just for protection's sake.

Safety first. ;)

Since I had no choice anymore but to be paired up with her, I took it with patient tolerance and gnawing fear that it was my first time and I was uncomfortable.

But it's okay. I like the adrenaline that rushes through me.

Sometimes, I black out because the rush is so strong but it feels so good. 

Anyway, I realised that she judged me incompetent, and that was when the situation changed.

I pushed away my fear, steeled my guts and got serious. The opposition has not presented their motion yet, so I drew up a list of everything they could possibly say. I even listed the ones I thought were obvious not to mention since I could lay out a trap so easily.

She went up to present and stole all of my points. 

It's ok. I'll show you.

The blood starts thumping in my ears as I am filled with cold anger.
In all of that inner noise, I found steely calm. 

They got up to do a rebuttal and to my happy surprise, broached on all of the points I listed out, even the obvious trap-filled ones.

Okay, my turn.

I said my final prayers and got up and calmly walked to the stand. I was to close the motion. A chilling silence fell over the room as I started knocking down argument after argument. It could have been so much better if I had actual time to prepare. (Most of our prep time was spent on the partner yammering on about how she knew so much stuff)

At the end of it, there were resounding claps and I got a special mention. 

The adrenaline pumped through me and I thought to myself," Why has debating never been on the menu all these years?"

I expect that there will be times that I could fail the group or make mistakes. 

I am just happy that I am of a certain standard, and I certainly showed the female human not to underestimate a psychopath- not that she knows I am one. 

I can be such an arrogant person. 

This is why I would never broadcast this to people that I know. 

It'd not be to my benefit.... :P

Recently, I have been faced with situations in which friends require support.

Surprisingly, they were all on social media.

Unsurprisingly, they were all on social media.

Hear me out.

I feel that many people think that they are entitled to enforcing their opinions on other people with their misinformed mindsets. It is true that a person is entitled to an opinion, but to force it on another person... What gives anyone that right?

Example:

This person bashes on Christianity for its view on homosexuality.

The same person preaches about religion equality. (therefore, bashing on another religion for its beliefs is a no-no)

Note: While the person above is also hypocritical, said person dished out verbal abuse in both times she declared her views after another disagreed.

Another example:

Person A states something on a platform about her opinion on relationships.

Person B calls Person A stupid and tells her to stfu just because she doesn't agree.

In both cases, the person in the former example and Person B in the latter example become aggressive when other humans disagree with what they said. These two examples also happen to be true.

I am surprised that most humans have the guts to type appalling things on the internet, and yet do not have the same iron strength to say it without a keyboard at their disposal. I find it unsurprising because look around you, do you really see anyone getting into an open conflict face to face nowadays? It's all online.

Everything that I say here, I can say it to people- to their faces.

I don't declare my opinions the moment I see a human because some people are not ready for certain things, but they can ask- and that's when I know that they are ready to hear me out. When they disagree, I do not stomp on their beliefs and opinions. I list my evidence to back up my argument and wait for theirs. If they are persuaded, good. If I am persuaded, even better. If both sides disagree, we come to a consensus and our friendships aren't affected in any way. 

This includes prickly subjects like politics, current events, research, assignments and so on and forth..

But I am acquainted with a ton of people, know few who are willing to discuss and fewer who are willing to agree to disagree.

Which brings me to my next question:

Why can't people just talk things out?

Men often lament that women do not want to say what is on their minds and you find that most grudges have one common factor: a tight-lipped individual who refuses to discuss.

Sigh.

I do not know.

I yearn so much for people who are willing to discuss because that's how we improve. 

That's how humanity can move one step in the right direction. 

Hopefully, I can find someone like that near me soon.

What do you think?

I have been called insistent but at least, I've not been called close-minded.

It is such a thin line to balance on.

Do you feel the same way?

Would you be troubled by a lonely existence?

I've been mulling over this today.

I've always thought that living alone in a forest is an ideal thing.
The whole Adam and Eve thing with only animals surrounding them really appeals to me.
That is actually my ideal world.

Adam doesn't even have to be there.
(I know that Eve is only there because of Adam. Let's just speak of it in a loose sense.)

You could say," Oh, but then you won't have internet. Or running tap water. Or hot baths."

I guess you just win some and lose some. :|

So to me, having to be around people = a reward in the form of a nice, hot shower..
Or even a steaming cup of hot chocolate.

Because let's face it, I don't think that there would be a local Whittard's at the next tree in my 'ideal' world.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is:

I am mildly glad that most humans depend on a society to thrive. That means a transference of knowledge over generations. That means that one will eventually be able to go to space, or have electricity, or fly.

I still like being alone.
Sure, you'll always have to watch your back to survive..
But isn't that the case nowadays anyway?

That is probably one of the things that really get to me. Betrayal of your own kind.
Or someone whom you thought you could trust.

If we were cut from the same cloth, why would you twist me to go further?
If we were birds of the same feather, why would you burn mine so that I can't fly?
Would it make you fly faster? Further?

Don't get me wrong.

I was not betrayed by anyone recently.
But I have been, before. And I don't understand why anyone would want to create conflict like that.

And it gets to me.

I get all twisted up on the inside and would gladly purge if the movie was a reality.
I would also have no regrets doing so.

Maybe that is a kind of evil.
But to me, pure evil is going out of your way to hurt someone else unnecessarily.

This is the part where you say: Oh, that sounds like a proper psychopath- or sociopath.

Well, not everyone is the same, right?
This applies to the average, or as average as you can find, psychopath as well.

I am not the same as the next one you might or might not identify in your own life.
I see the same things in the same light as they do, but I will react in a different way.

I'll go into more detail in the future.

To be honest, I do not see anyone wishing to read this.
But it's always good to document how you feel..

I feel so dark and twisted on the inside, honestly.
I would never think about hurting myself. (There is no benefit in that.)
I do think about hurting others.

At least I can admit it.

Maybe everyone has their own kind of evil.
Maybe hurting humans physically (if they deserve it) is a no-no to someone else, but the same person is okay with lying and cheating on their partner.

If you're reading this, do you see the world in the same light as I do?
Do you think that everyone has their own kind of evil?

"Meow~"

Gerard turned around at the sound of his beloved Ragdoll, Eleanor's voice and was greeted by pangs of pain sweeping through his body, its source point being his stomach. He looked down in shock, mouth gaping silently in wonder at the sight of the rapid flush of red on his Armani silk shirt. Looking up, all he could see were Eleanor's saucer eyes staring back knowingly. 

"W-why...", was the only word he could sputter before his last breath left him as he crumpled onto the floor.

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Inspector Paul has had enough. A cat being accused of murder and potentially facing a life-imprisonment threat was not what he signed up for when he first joined the police force. What the hell was Eric thinking? Who let that imbecile onto the crime scene before everyone else, anyway? This is a protocol breach and he is not planning to let go of this one as easily as the John Dobson case. To say that one was a nightmare would be an understatement.

Whatever the case, by the time he got to Harvey's Law and Practitioners, fingerprints were all over the scene and he knew that all of them belonged to his incompetent colleague. He'll have to speak to Derek about this the moment five minutes of his unbelievably cramp schedule clears up. Eric is a cinch in the well-oiled armour of the police force and everyone but said person knows it. 

Paul sighed and rubbed his face as he looked around the room. There was no way dusting the room for fingerprints would be of any use now, considering how some idiots had the decency to step into the bloodied white carpet and smudged pretty much everything on their way out. Eric stomped over when Paul crossed the marked threshold.

"Took you long enough.", he had the nerve to say. "It's okay. I knew that you would take care of everything.. Like how you took care of the victim and the blood, judging by the footprints all over the room." Paul smartly retorted. "W-what? I- What? Those footprints aren't mine!" Eric started stammering. "Oh yeah? So who else in the force, or even this room wears sized 10 loafers that happened to have that mark on the underfoot when you tripped in the John Dobson case, leading to the failure of capturing his murderer? Hmm?" Paul shot back. "Good God. Do you have to bring up that case every single time? You don't have to be such a douche, considering how I finished all of the preliminary work for you." Eric said, whimpering slightly as he handed over a clipboard. Paul would have felt a slight twinge of sympathy if not for the fact that the sympathy boat left the same time Eric single-handedly brought a 10-month case to a halt because all he had to do was wear those god-damned loafers that were no good for running in. Hey, it's okay to let a serial murderer get away. Fashion over functionality, right?

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I have been thinking of creating a blog about my psychopathic side for a long time.
It's been a year or so since the idea first popped into my head.

At first, I wanted to give a first hand view on what being a psychopath is like.
It also helps to dispel the illusion that I might kill you in a dark alleyway.

For some reason, the world seems to catch on to my ideas quickly, because look around you and you'll find plenty of books about psychopaths and sociopaths and how they aren't as bad as they seem.

Well, maybe you can judge for yourself from my account.

Now, anyone reading this will most likely be thinking in this point in time:

How do you know that you're a psychopath?
Why should I trust you?

Well, you don't. Who trusts a stranger immediately? :|
Give me time, and then decide if I'm worth knowing- or not.

I will say right now, that I have not been medically diagnosed as a psychopath.
It's not one of those things where you just show up to the pharmacy and say:

Oh, hey. So I think I might be a psychopath. Uhhh got any kits I can pee on to verify this? 

But.

I've had my fair share of battles at the psychiatrists'. (Yes, plural)
I have done some medical scans, etc etc.

However, I think that the best way to show that I'm a psychopath, is by being who I am.
I can tell you that I have done this test, or read that journal and at the end of the day, there will still be people who disbelieve.

It is fine if you do not believe me.
It is reasonable as well.

So let's see where the entries take us and what you think of me then, yeah?

Note: I do not want anyone to think that I do not wish to be medically diagnosed. I am more than happy to be diagnosed (if the tests are reasonable enough) if a doctor one day is ever interested in examining me. However, I will not actively look for it. This also means that I am not afraid that I might turn out to be a 'fake' who only shows signs and symptoms.

Right, now that we got the disclaimer parts out of the way.
Maybe we can move on to the fun part.

Which will be in the next entry.
Here's to me being able to keep up the habit.